Tag Archives: bullying behavior

Ohio School Shooting

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Dear Readers,

Once again, the news of the recent school shooting in Ohio leaves me wanting to run outside screaming at the top of my lungs. Since that behavior would probably scare my neighbors and get me arrested for disturbing the peace, I’m screaming here. And just so you know, I’m not screaming at YOU, I’m yelling in general, out of frustration and anger and sadness at lives cut short, and the disturbing fact that gun violence could happen to any one of us at any time and that scares me.

When on earth is this going to change? When will gun laws and gun control and other reasonable preventative measures that can be done to protect EVERYONE, including children in school, actually come to pass? Has there not been enough senseless tragedy? I’m exasperated.

Perhaps you’re  already aware of the Brady Campaign. If not, today is a good day to check out what they do. The statistics might shock you. If you’re able, please consider making a donation, even a few dollars to the cause to help prevent gun violence, to help change the laws, to educate the public on the dangers of guns. From the Brady Campaign website:

Feb. 27, 2012, Washington, D.C.—Brady Campaign Acting President Dennis Henigan today released a statement in response to the news that four students had been shot and one killed allegedly by a fellow classmate this morning at Chardon High School in Chardon, Ohio.

“Our nation has been shocked once again by the reality of gunfire at yet another American school.  Our hearts go out to the families of the young people killed and injured in the Ohio shooting.  When parents cannot send their teenagers to school with any assurance they will return home safely at the end of the day, we have a serious gun violence problem that our political leaders must address.  It is simply too easy for young people to get their hands on deadly weaponry.  It is long past time for us to address this issue as an urgent national concern.”

And this:

Why does America lead the world in school shootings? By Dr. Frank Ochberg, Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at Michigan State University and former Associate Director of the National Institute of Mental Health.

The investigation is in progress and  details are sketchy and so I can’t conclude that this was somehow definitely caused by  bullying, nor, even if it was, this attack could never be justified as an acceptable way to respond to bullying. But if it was, it certainly highlights how bullying causes despair and desperation and additional acts of violence, perhaps resulting in the ultimate bullying, murder in cold blood. It shows us another way that bullying kills. It is not surprising to me to read in news reports and blogs that some students have stated that the alleged shooter, T.J. Lane, age 17, was bullied. Others say he wasn’t. I guess we have to wait to get more information. Whatever the motive, it is a heartbreak. It is a reflection of heartbreak.

How did a 17 year old student get a .22 caliber handgun they say was used in this shooting? Was his father  a violent man, arrested and charged with, among other things, attempted murder, approximately 10 years ago? Reports say so. T.J. Lane would have been around 7 back then. Impressionable no doubt. What did he witness growing up?  All these little details, and yet, no one could see this coming apparently. Maybe  we just haven’t heard from the people who might have seen warning signs. Maybe there are those who tried to prevent this, but couldn’t.

Anyway, so as not to speculate too much on what is not confirmed or known fact, I will leave all that to  reporters and journalists. This is just my opinion. If any of this true, is it really a shock that a young man, a teen, who maybe was bullied, who maybe was an outcast, who maybe didn’t have friends, who maybe was a loner, whose father had a violent history including abuse of women, is it really so shocking that if he was in any way disturbed, or mentally ill, or who knows, grew up exposed to violence  on a regular basis–and who had access to a gun, is it really that surprising that he would one day use a gun to kill?

Yes, there are plenty of children who survive broken homes, violence, abuse, horrifying existences, and they grow up and don’t kill anyone. But there will always be some, who for many reasons, complicated life events, circumstances, mental illness, whatever the unique set of emotional, psychological, and environmental factors that make up a person’s life, they will not be for a variety of reasons, ever caught or saved in time.  They may not  receive the correct mental health treatment, or even a diagnosis, or a proper evaluation. They will fall through the many cracks in the many systems in our country that are broken, in tragic disrepair. And those lost souls who are  hurting, for whatever reason, for many reasons, will eventually snap.  If they have access to a gun, they will use it on others, or on themselves, or both. And people will die and people will be injured. The targets: People who may have bullied him, people who did nothing but walked past, or looked at him, or stood three inches to the left or right,or it may be random, anyone who stands before him as he walks by with a loaded gun. People will be hurt. Some will die. This shooting now has three confirmed student deaths.

This will never end until enough Americans are outraged and speak up and do something to make it change. But we are all busy fighting endless asinine battles now, aren’t we? As if just living and getting through each day with work, family, and so on isn’t enough. There are battles to fight on every front it seems. The Republican war on women and reproductive rights and right to choose and be sovereign over our own bodies. It is  diverting our energies and focus from these wars on our children who cannot go to school in safety and peace. The ongoing war on pretty much everyone who is not wealthy, white or male.  I must sign 5 petitions or more every day. Trying to do my part to save endangered animals, the environment, Planned Parenthood, etc. The list is endless. But all these battles have to be won. So, I will do one thing today. One thing, every day that I’m able to.

I see common threads with all this. There is an overall BULLY mode coming from the republican Party. From the right-wing religious fanatics. From people in positions of power, from the very wealthy who fund frightening politicians. From people who don’t care about one another. Yes, people have risen up. The movement to fight back and reclaim and take back and Occupy is at work; countless organizations and individuals working hard every day to make life better for ALL AMERICANS. This is just one more cause, one that ties into how we treat each other, how we can maybe work to change things for the better.

So, what can we do today? Check out the Brady Campaign. While we don’t know if bullying had anything to do with this shooting, it continues to be an epidemic in this country, so let’s also continue to do something about that. Today you can sign a petition to get a PG-13 rating for a new film, BULLY coming out at the end of March. And please read this. Why? Because the MPAA has given it an R rating, meaning it cannot be screened in the place it should be seen the most, in our schools. It’s ridiculous. Please sign this if you can.

Lastly, for the parents of young children, it is never too early to teach our children alternatives to physical, aggressive actions as a means to resolve conflict. The message of non violence is  one that a child needs to hear every single day. Kids need to see it practiced at home and everywhere you go that your child sees you. Does this mean one should never show anger in front of your kids? Absolutely not. It means everyone needs to learn to identify their feelings; to learn to say, “I’m angry!” And  be guided as to how to manage the anger in a constructive way. I’m reposting the piece I wrote about Bullying Behavior for Sesame Workshop for some additional tips and ways to manage bullying behavior in the preschool crowd.

I wish that there could be  an  overwhelming majority in the United States of America that wakes up tomorrow morning with  a giant light bulb over head and declares, NO MORE. Followed by swift immediate and non partisan government action that changes things and ends this outrage once and for all. I wish the majority would finally understand that guns and ammunition have no business being so easy to get or purchase, as if they were eggs or milk. And I’m sick and tired of schools (and families, communities, you name it) somehow being under the false impression that this can never happen in their school or their town or their neighborhood. This can and does happen all over the US. In schools, on streets, in stores, at the workplace, in homes. It happens and it will continue to happen, tragically, again and again.

If anyone reading this today, can do one thing to stand up against gun violence,  just one thing, it will make a difference. It may feel hopeless. But if we do one thing, there is hope and possibility for change in the simple act of taking action. One click to sign. One click to donate. One click to share with someone else. Maybe eventually we will change the laws, and minds of others who feel we should all be walking around armed and dangerous. For the families who are now grieving over their lost children Daniel Parmetor, Russel King Jr., and Demetrius Hewlin, and those hoping the injured survive, I think it’s the least we can do.

I leave you with another parenting perspective from KJ D’ell Antonia at the Motherlode. If nothing else, there is certainly an opportunity to think about all this, to talk to and even more importantly, LISTEN to what kids have to say about their lives, what hurts them, and what they care about. I think they need our help, even as they push us away.

Bullying: Sticks and Stones and Words Can Kill

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Hi,

Back to School is in full swing. This should be an exciting time for students. But for those who are bullied, going to school can be a terrifying or life-threatening experience.  Tonight, Friday September 16, at 8:00pm ET, CBS is airing a special 48 Hours,“Bullying….If Words Could Kill.”

Last year, we experienced what I perceived to be “beginner bullying behavior” in Max’s preschool class.  I was shocked this could even exist in children as young as 4 years old. Max was upset and angry and so was I. Like most parents would, I did everything I could to help him. I spoke with the school’s administration and teachers and asked for their intervention and help. Luckily, our situation at preschool was addressed quickly and thoughtfully. Parents got involved, teachers listened, responded, and did more to help ALL the kids who were hurting. The ones who were doing the aggressive and mean behavior (hitting, name-calling, etc), AND the ones who were on the receiving end—turns out both were hurting, and both needed more help. Everyone involved was invested in making things  better. Cooperation, listening, and working together was crucial. Things were resolved peacefully.

I think it’s never too early to begin teaching children acceptable behaviors and how we should treat each other. How to resolve conflicts with words. How to make choices to be kind, helpful, loving, and inclusive, instead of rejecting, mean and destructive. I also wrote a piece detailing our experience, Bullying Behavior for Sesame Family Newsletter. 

My friend, Courtney Knowles, Executive Director of The JED Foundation, co-founded the “Love is Louder”movement.  On September 30, they are celebrating their one year anniversary. Here’s a few pictures we had uploaded to their campaign last year. A reminder that love is louder. Love is the answer. Empathy is the answer. It really is.  Good laws and enforcing them will also help. If we don’t do what we can to combat bullying, we are diminishing ourselves. All children deserve better.

I was bullied as a child. Several times, both here in the US when I was around six or seven years-old, and then in Israel, soon after we moved there when I was ten. In one case, I was pushed into a bee’s nest. In another, my long hair was chopped off. I remember those incidents (and there were others) as if they happened yesterday. Since then, I learned how to get help and stand up for myself. All kinds of bullies have come and gone over the years. Each time I encountered one, I learned something. How to stand up, walk away, and let go. But I was an adult who had learned to cope. I had language, comprehension, and experiences to draw on to remind me, “it gets better.” I finally learned how to spot bullying behavior a mile away, and can better avoid it now.

I want Max to stay true to himself, be healthy, live a happy life, and continue to be a kind person who cares for others. I don’t want him to be bullied. I’m trying to teach him that while sometimes people might say and do terrible things, he has a choice of how to respond. I don’t want him to become a bully, either. We don’t tolerate name-calling, and even as he’s still learning, and I have to repeat myself over and over, Max is not allowed to call other people hurtful names. Period. When he does, I remind him how he felt when he was called something mean or hurtful. I don’t let it slide. I say something about what is acceptable to me, and what isn’t. I show him another way to express his feelings. Max gets mad at me, and that’s OK. I show him how to tolerate and express anger constructively. He’s learning. I’m learning.

These days, cyber-bullying can be non-stop, 24/7. And children are killing themselves. There are sufficient horror stories of young kids, teens and college students who were (or are) terrorized in their schools, on buses, or online. Each story of bullying is heartbreaking; each one is one too many. I want to  help make it better. I believe that each one of us can make a difference in our own homes, schools, communities. All those little moments will add up. And then we’ll see bigger changes. But we have to start where we are, and at home. We need to standup for each other and for those who cannot speak up for themselves. We need to do this for the children who are gone and their parents who suffer from their loss. We need to make this problem obsolete. It should become a thing of the past, not something we accept as an inevitable part of life.

There are many excellent resources out there about bullying, but here’s a few I recommend today:  Author, Trudy  Ludwig has written great books addressing the topic of bullying and her insights and resources are excellent. Empathy is key! Susan Raisch, the creator of Tangled Ball is a friend and former colleague of mine from Sesame Workshop. She works on bullying prevention and has also joined forces with Kathryn Otoshi, author of the book ONE (which is wonderful).  The Human Rights Campaign has a long list of resources and this useful information about Cyber Bullying in the LGBT community.

Until every child can go to school without fear of bullying, we have a lot of work to do. I hope there is not one more child, or teenager or college student who takes his or her own life because suicide seemed like their only way to escape their horrible pain and suffering caused by bullying. As a parent it’s unthinkable. But it is happening, and we all have a role to play to make it better. We have to teach ourselves and our kids how to be kinder to each other. Yes, it starts at home, in the sandbox, on the playground, and then at school. The good news is, we can change this, but we all have to be willing to see what is happening now.

As Kathryn Otoshi writes:

Sometimes it just takes One.