November | 2011 | The Way It Is

Dear Readers,

I’m recovering from another long stretch of Max being sick. Yes. Again! And his 5th birthday swirl (he rallied for his party last weekend…just in the nick of time) and tomorrow is Thanksgiving.

We’ll be following up with a variety of doctors to try to find out why Max keeps getting sick; 4 times since school started in September, to be exact. Here’s how it breaks down: Actual days Max was sick: 40. Days of school missed: 25 Days of school attended: 25

Invitation and thank you card art for Max's birthday

On the plus side, Max had a great birthday and I’m happy and proud he’s turned five and has such a nice bunch of friends.

Hotwheels birthday cake

This week, Max is back to school (yay, 3 days in a row today!) and I’ve been picking him up earlier than usual. I love the little chats us moms (it is mostly moms) have while waiting for the class doors to open. Yesterday, I walked into an already started conversation about a child with broken bones who was (thankfully) healing. We each mentioned, “Oh, there was that time….” when he/she fell, that moment they stumbled, down stairs, or tripped over themselves, or knocked into a table. Sharp corners, stairs, walls that heads get banged into during a tantrum. One offers, “They are accidents waiting to happen.” Another, “they are always covered in bruises.” Our joint fears we’ll be reported as unfit. Children get hurt. They are often covered in bruises. Knees, shins, elbows.

There are visits to the emergency room, X-rays, CT scans. All were OK in the end. “Whoa, this is depressing.” Says a woman, perhaps a friend, visiting, or maybe she is an aunt. She does not have children. Another mom turns to her and says, “This is what we talk about.”

I say, “Yes, we live in fear. We live with fear and the overcoming of fear. Every day. ” It is refreshing to be able to say this out loud and not whispered as if it’s a fact we all know, but needs to be unspoken. I appreciate when parents can be real with each other. I think it helps everyone.

The classroom doors open, and like nothing, we are smiling, ready to greet our kids, ready for them to either rush at us, or away from us. Be ready to go home, or not ready and wishing to stay. We smile, because we know we all go through the same things. A 5 minute conversation among moms who are bonded together because they are all parents, all parents of 4s and 5s. All parents of kids in one class. All moms who are afraid, who carry on with a smile to greet their kids. And who are always thankful, every day, for the one acceptable outcome: “It was OK in the end.” Like punctuation, it is so. The complete thought of what having kids is. Living in fear, overcoming the fear. We can’t imagine what if, but we actually can. And that scares us. But then we also smile.

When we lived upstate, there were parking lot conversations at pick up or drop off. Here it is in the halls, or on the sidewalk outside. They are all the same. Fleeting, quick, and always interrupted conversations where we remember we’re not alone, exchange ideas, tips, complain about the latest challenge (that could be our kids, or ours). Sometimes it is just an eye roll. Or an understanding shrug, or an I “get it” look. And having done that, we smile, and put our brave faces on. For our kids, who are also afraid, and look to us for comfort.

So, I am thankful, most days, for everything I have. My family. My friends. Other parents who are going through the same things we are. Trees. Food. Water. Electricity! All good stuff.

Today, I think it’s also good to remember that this holiday is born from terrible suffering and genocide of Native Americans. They were here first. Their land, ways, culture, and families were destroyed and devastated. They died in the tens of millions. I learned the facts as a child in a suburb of Boston, MA. I don’t remember my parents having Thanksgiving dinners. In Israel, we didn’t have them, either.

I’ve become quite a fan of the holiday since being back in the States in the late 80s. I was invited to family dinners and I went. Who can argue with delicious food, good times with family, days off from work, or being thankful? I’m not saying we shouldn’t celebrate Thanksgiving, and all the aspects of it which are quite lovely and thoroughly enjoyable, but I do think we need to remember the truth of what happened here. For some, this is not a holiday, but a day of mourning. I found this piece which speaks for itself. Just something to think about.

Looking at a tree that didn't fall

I wish you a very happy thanksgiving with health, love, and food for all. I’m thankful you’re in my life. And I’m especially thankful to you, dear readers, for continuing to read this, and to those of you who pass it on to others, I deeply appreciate that and thank you!

With gratitude and peace,

Elana

On Veteran’s Day, November 11, 2011

For those left behind

Hawkeye, Photo credit: Lisa Pembleton

I am a veteran of the Israeli army. I feel strange using the word veteran, because to me, a veteran is someone who fought in combat and either was killed, injured, or survived. But the dictionary gives the definition as “a former member of the armed services.” So, I suppose it’s OK to say that in this context. But this post is not about me. I use the word only because as someone who did serve her country in Israel, I know a little bit about what it is like to be a soldier. Even though I never fought in combat. And all political things aside, I can tell you that your life is not yours when you are a soldier. You are in service to your country. You wear a uniform. There are rules. You take orders. You learn to use a gun. It can be dangerous.

I mention this also because from an early age, I have seen up close what the effects of losing a family member, friend, or even an aquaintance to war, terror or the military, can be. Grief that comes from the loss of a beloved person in your life is a human, universal experience. But each loss is specific and personal. No two stories are the same, but they are all heartbreaking.

If you are a mother of a soldier, you might end up burying your child, your soldier. If you are a child, you might bury your parent soldier, a father or mother. If you are a husband, wife or fiance, brother or sister, or in any way related to a soldier, you are part of a world that is slightly less known here. Because here in the US, we have a volunteer army, and in Israel, there is a draft. It is required.

So, here we have a much bigger country, and the military families are their own sub set in our culture. In America it is not common practice for all 18 year olds to go to the army following high school. Here, if one is lucky, there is college. Then there are those who volunteer to be soldiers in the US armed services. People who do this, should be afforded rights and services when (and if) they return from their missions here or abroad. If they are injured, they should be given the best medical attention that exists. They should be supported in every possible way: emotionally, financially, and physically. Because they have given of their lives in service and they have put themselves in harm’s way. Whether the war (or wars) are justified or not, I think soldiers returning from war, or combat missions, or service of any kind should be treated with the utmost respect. Their families should be well cared for (in perpetuity) if they are killed in action or cannot work due to injuries (physical or mental). There shouldn’t be even one homeless veteran. It is shameful and outrageous there are so many.

I have not held a gun in my hands since I returned mine when I completed my two-year service in 1987. I don’t want my son Max to play with toy guns. I will not buy them. I will not allow them as gifts. Yes, he is only (almost) five. I have no idea what he may ask for or want in the future. Saying never is tricky, but thankfully, lately he’s all about cars and Hot Wheels and cats and such. I teach him to use his words when he’s angry. I hope he grows up to be just about anything but a soldier.

When a family has their son or daughter volunteer to go into the army, as is the case these days here in the US, I think that is worthy of something. At minimum, respect. And respect should mean that veterans are treated well. Period. And there should not have to be a discussion about whether the war is right or wrong so as to justify whether they deserve to be treated with respect, compassion, understanding and real tangible help when they return home. They do deserve it. Yes. They do. Every bit of it and more.

And I don’t understand the concept of Veteran’s Day sales. It makes no sense to me. People have died, or are injured; is let’s go buy stuff really the answer?! I don’t understand it. More people need to be aware of what the veterans experiences are, what the history is here, not what the best deal on furniture, electronics, or toys is (today, hurry, get great deals, 30% off!).

The toy guns. I hate them. I hate them and I won’t buy them for Max. Instead, I buy him colors, paints, pens and notebooks he can fill with words, drawings, and stories. I give him things he can build (or knock down) without hurting anyone. I teach gentle hands (with people, animals, and places). I want to believe my intentions and actions will give Max a place where peace has a chance to happen.

I dedicate this post to all the brave men and women, past, present and future who have served or will serve this country at war or at peace. Thank you.

Here is a collection of websites and articles:

John Moore and a photo of grief from Arlington National Cemetary

http://blog.gettyimages.com/2010/05/27/memorial-day-at-arlington-national-cemetery/

A dog keeps watch

http://www.theblaze.com/stories/heart-wrenching-image-dog-keeps-watch-over-fallen-seals-casket-during-funeral/

The first woman from the Oklahoma National Guard killed in combat will be laid to rest: http://www.tulsaworld.com/news/article.aspx?subjectid=511&articleid=20111110_11_A4_CUTLIN331370

At War: Notes from the Front Lines (about homeless veterans): http://atwar.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/11/08/study-finds-homeless-veterans-stay-homeless-longer-than-others/

100K Homes: http://100khomes.org/

From Sesame Workshop and Sesame Street:Talk, Listen, Connect –Toolkit for Military Families: http://www.sesamestreet.org/parents/topicsandactivities/toolkits/tlc

Families Near and Far: http://www.familiesnearandfar.org/resources/grief/coviewing/

Fantastic info about grief and the grieving process on their resources page –Good Grief: http://www.good-grief.org/

Talking with Kids About News: http://www.pbs.org/parents/talkingwithkids/news/